


there are so many ways to say (i love you)

by Nara_stories



Category: Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Barebacking, But no rape, Freeform, Love Confessions, M/M, as an abusive ex-boyfriend, because Jamie is apparently triggered by it, coffee shop AU, failing spectacularly, fluffy and domestic, it's not too explicit, just with a hint of angst in the middle, mentions of Black Jack, safely
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:47:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23616217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nara_stories/pseuds/Nara_stories
Summary: Written for my Coffee Shop AU square in the Outlander Bingo Challenge 2020The air was always thick with the invigorating smell of freshly ground and brewed coffee and he usually had very productive work sessions along with a few cups of V60. Except now there was a muscular, red-haired vision of a man behind the counter, and he could not tear his eyes away.Or the one where John and Jamie fall in love in a coffee shop. Simple as that.
Relationships: Jamie Fraser/Lord John Grey
Comments: 17
Kudos: 79
Collections: Outlander Bingo Challenge





	there are so many ways to say (i love you)

**Author's Note:**

> this is way too long and shippy and sappy and self-indulgent
> 
> consider yourself warned

There was a new barista at his favourite coffee shop, and John was absolutely unable to concentrate on the report his brother sent over last night. 

It was an independent coffee shop called Lallybroch, with cosy and inviting interior – dark wood, rustic furniture and colourful cushions that contrasted nicely with the shiny modern appliances and coffee cups. Maybe it was the location – one of those odd little streets leading up to Regent’s Canal that people tended to overlook while marching towards more popular destinations –, but even in peak hours, the place seemed to have a calming effect on everyone. Since his job didn’t bind him to an office anymore – Hal was filing him under independent contractor nowadays, bless him –, John found himself often coming here to escape the stress of the City, settling into a corner with his laptop and spreading his papers messily over the small table.  
The air was always thick with the invigorating smell of freshly ground and brewed coffee and he usually had very productive work sessions along with a few cups of V60. Except now there was a muscular, red-haired vision of a man behind the counter, and he could not tear his eyes away.

He moved expertly from one station to the other, sleeves pushed up, preparing the coffee with sure, confident hands. Then, he picked up a small tray and – oh, shit – he was heading straight towards John. John quickly looked away, pulling his laptop closer in an attempt to look busy and effectively knocking some papers to the ground. He hastily bent down for them, blue light glasses sliding down to the tip of his nose from the movement.

He just managed to straighten up by the time the man arrived at his table. John pushed his glasses up his nose and cleared his throat, feeling his cheeks heat up.  
“A V60 for the gentleman,” the man announced. He had the most gorgeous dark blue eyes John has ever seen, and for a moment his otherwise polished social skills have completely failed him. When those eyes shifted to his table – the whole surface covered in paperwork – his brain luckily decided to go back online.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, let me just make some space,” he stuttered out, quickly freeing up a corner of his table. The man gave him a kind – if a little amused – smile. John’s eyes darted to his chest, but there was no name tag on his white Henley. Maybe he really just started here.

“There ye go.” The rough Scottish accent warmed John through from the tips of his fingers all the way to his toes. “Let me know if ye need anything.”

John could think about many things he needed but managed not to say them aloud. He settled for nodding stupidly and when the man turned away he slid lower on his chair hiding behind his laptop and blew out a long breath.

He forced himself to concentrate on work, only stealing a few glances now and then to look at the man. He didn’t know how much time has passed, but he went through the report and was disappointed to find his cup empty. As if reading his mind, the same guy appeared at his elbow to take his cup away.

“What did you do to this coffee?” he burst out before the man could turn away. He didn’t regret it though when a surprised smile appeared on those wide – and absolutely sinful looking if you asked him – lips.  
“Was it good?”  
“The best,” John answered and the man beamed at him with genuine pride. He turned towards him fully, steading the small tray casually on his hips.

“Trying out a different blend. The previous wasna bad of course, but the supplier started to act a bit shifty and we’re verra careful with ethical sourcing and stuff like that. And the taste could have been a bit smoother as well if ye ask me.”

John already thought the man was gorgeous, but watching him talk passionately about a subject he clearly cared about, moved something in John – something that was not entirely proper at ten o’clock on a Tuesday morning.

“So, you’re like a new quality auditor or something?”

For some reason, the man started laughing. John didn’t understand why but was content just letting that gorgeous sound roll over him. Until the man announced:  
“I’m the owner.”

John went red with embarrassment.  
“I sincerely apologize. I just haven’t seen you before and assumed… how foolish of me.”  
“Dinna fash,” the man grinned at him. “I try to make sure to spend a few days every once in a while behind the counter. To really see how things are going, have some hands-on experience.”

John suppressed a stupid shiver. He would have been glad to let this man have some hands-on experience with him.

“And it’s nice to get some feedback from the customers,” the man added with a little glint in his eyes.  
John felt the embarrassment ease in his chest, even if the redness of his cheeks didn’t go away.  
“Well, it really was the best cup of coffee I’ve ever had. I’m tempted to order another one.”  
Cat-like eyes roamed over him.  
“Ye’re not getting a second pour-over in a row, ye’re already all jittery.” Before John could protest, or say something embarrassing like that if he seemed more fidgety than usual, that had absolutely nothing to do with caffeine, the man continued. “Let me make ye something else.”

John agreed, and barely ten minutes later he received something caramel-coloured in a glass mug with a thin layer of foam on top that smelled like pure heaven. He didn’t usually ask for anything but black coffee, but this one wasn’t nauseatingly sweet. There was definitely something in there that made the drink creamy and smooth, but it didn’t overpower the delicious deep flavour of the coffee. John couldn’t stop himself from licking the foam off his lips, and when he went back for a second sip his eyes met with a pair of deep blue ones across the room.

John made a decision, and with that settled – at least in his mind – it was easier to open up his laptop again and have some actual work done.

When he was finished with everything he had to do – and with that cup of delicious coffee – he tore out a page of his notebook, folded it in half and jotted down his name and number in the inside. He collected all his belonging, tucked his glasses into the front pocket of his jacket and went to the counter. After paying for his drinks he slowly walked over to the far end of the bar where the owner off the coffee shop – and of the most gorgeous pair of eyes – was currently emptying out ground coffee from a machine.  
The man looked up and smiled when he noticed him. John bit his lip, then he placed the slip of paper on the counter and pushed it towards him.  
“I was thinking I would regret it later if I haven’t given this to you.”  
The man looked vaguely surprised but took the paper. John’s insides tensed in anticipation.

The other unfolded the note and looked up with a wide smile. John’s heart flipped in his chest at the sight.

“John.” Hearing his name in that voice sent a shiver down his spine. “I’m Jamie.”  
“Jamie,” he tasted the name. “Well, call me if you like.”  
“I will.”

***

Jamie was never more glad for his strong conviction, that an owner should never lose touch with the day-to-day side of the business. Yes, it was nice to get a chance to practice his skills and make cup after cup of coffee – something he genuinely enjoyed, but didn’t get to do as often. It was also good to have a chat with customers and see how satisfied they are and check if there was any tension or disagreement among the staff members.

But meeting that man – John – was the most pleasant thing that happened to him in a long while. He was elegant and well-dressed, at the same time adorably clumsy and easily flustered – he flushed a nice shade of pink and Jamie briefly wondered if he could make him blush all the way down…

He absentmindedly touched the piece of paper he tucked into this jean-pocket every once in a while as he went about his day. It was one of those stupidly posh ivory coloured dot-grid papers, with John’s name and phone number on it in the most graceful handwriting, probably executed with an equally stupidly posh fountain pen. Ian has teased him rotten when Jenny told him about it. She noticed what was going on from the first time they’ve spoken. She was scary like that.

He smiled to himself remembering how the guy pushed those brown tortoiseshell glasses up his nose and how he had the audacity to bite his sinfully plump lips. He felt hot all over just from the memory.

Jamie never liked to play games with people. So, naturally, he called John’s number that same afternoon.

“John Grey speaking.”

He sounded surprised when Jamie introduced himself – pleasantly so like he hadn’t expected Jamie to call so soon – or at all. Which was ridiculous, what idiot wouldn’t have called him in Jamie’s place?

They’ve ended up going out the next evening for a casual pint in a pub – rainbow flag next to the Union Jack. Sitting there in that old-fashioned place, with a gorgeous man on his side he remembered, that this was exactly the reason why he decided to move down to London and try his luck here, where he could still keep the best traditions of his homeland close to his heart but didn’t need to suppress who he was.

And when something is right, he found that everything just falls into place.

It was exactly how he felt with John. They’ve found themselves talking about anything and everything. John told him about how his whole family worked in the public sector, the way of life he was born into and about that sense of both belonging and responsibility Jamie could very well relate to. He told him about growing up in Scotland and then moving to London, working his ass off in various different coffee shops until he put away some money and convinced his sister, and his husband, who was also Jamie’s best friend to join him and open their own coffee shop together.

Later that night they’ve found a scuffed up chess set tucked between some books and board games people could use. Jamie was an above-average player, but John apparently had some sneaky tricks up his sleeve because he managed to beat him square.

By the end of the evening, Jamie knew he was hopelessly infatuated with the man. When out on the street John bumped their shoulders together Jamie found himself turning towards him and kissing him on the mouth tasting apple cider and cinnamon.

John lived closer. And Jamie felt no hesitation in accepting the tentative offer.

When the door closed behind them he got to know yet another side of John. He suddenly shed all of his gentlemanly manners kissing him with tongue and teeth, tearing at his clothes and going down on him like a starving man.  
Jamie gave as good as he got, sinking his fingers into soft waves and sucking a bruising mark into the delicate skin of that graceful throat. John let Jamie bend him over the couch and fuck him passionately in the middle of his living room.

When they were sated John poured them both a finger of good scotch and they’ve rested cuddled together in comfortable silence.

“You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.” Jamie adored how raspy John’s voice got from the lovemaking, and wanted nothing more than to stay there with him sprawled halfway across him, naked.  
He said so much.  
“But ‘tis only Thursday tomorrow.”  
“Yeah, you’re right. Fuck.” John rubbed a hand across his face. “I have a meeting too at bloody eight in the morning.”

Jamie dressed reluctantly and made sure to kiss John deeply and promise him that they would see each other soon.

***

John has long since accepted that his actions were mostly lead by his heart. It was not surprising really, that he fell for Jamie Fraser. And he fell hard and fast.

It wasn’t even a month after they’ve first met when those treacherous three words have slipped out of his mouth.

He had previous partners, who felt uncomfortable by his early love confessions. Some, who tried to play it down with a joke, and some who just frankly admitted that they were not ready to think in those terms yet.

No one has ever reacted the way Jamie did.

They lay cuddled up in his bed when he said it. Jamie froze and John felt his entire body go rigid under his hand. Jamie pulled away very slowly like he expected John to make a grab for him. His face was closed off, and there was something in his eyes, that John has never seen there before. Something not unlike terror.

“John, I… I need to go.” He stood up and collected his things. John sat up, feeling the terror rising in his own chest.  
“Now?” He hated how small his voice sounded. He hated that he hasn’t realized Jamie just wanted a casual fling, and now he probably ruined everything.

Jamie looked at him, and something softened in his face, just a little. He reached his hand towards him, but then stopped and pulled it away.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I cannae bear to be touched right now.” He stepped back towards the door. “I’ll call you later. I promise.”

It was one of the worst few hours in John’s life. He ate ice cream and drank wine while binge-watching his favourite TV series like the besotted, heartbroken fool he was. And he cried. Of course, he cried.

But Jamie did call him as he promised.

***

Jamie walked alone along the Themes with the wind tugging at his coat. The day was cloudy and the air exceptionally biting. It was getting darker, but the streetlights were not yet turned on.

His heart ached in sympathy from thinking of the pain John must be feeling right now. There had been a time he would have even hated himself for it. But not anymore. After he fought tooth and nail to regain his sanity coming out of his last long-term relationship he refused to feel ashamed for needing some time away.

_I love you._

He shivered. He hated the way John’s kind voice mixed in his mind with Jack’s manipulative one. From him, it had never been honest. It had never been a confession.  
It had been an excuse, a demand, an expectation even. Something to hold over him. Something to bind him with, so that he could torture him even more.

And Jamie has promised himself that he would never say those words without meaning them, that he would never tolerate them from someone if they haven’t felt sincere. He just didn’t realize that even then, he might have issues with it, that they might rip those old wounds open.

He stopped at the Millennium Bridge, just leaning against the rail and looking at the city and the seagulls soaring above the water. It felt like there was a gaping wound in his chest, but knowing John was suffering just made it worse. He took a big breath, then let it out.

“Ye have nay power over me, ye bastard. Not anymore,” he muttered, then took out his phone.

“Jamie.”  
John’s voice was hoarse like he’s been crying. It was another dagger to his heart. He had to swallow the lump in his throat.  
“John. Can I come back?”  
“I… I’m a mess, Jamie.” John sounded miserable.

“I’m sure ye’re a beautiful one,” he tried to joke. “Please. I don’t want to leave it like this. Let me explain.”

There was silence at the end of the line, but then John let out a little huff. “Alright.”

John opened the door barefoot in just his underwear and a big, worn-out t-shirt. He looked soft and sad and Jamie couldn’t help stepping over the threshold and gathering him in his arms, hugging him tightly.  
“I’m so sorry, m'eudail,” he murmured into his hair. “I’m truly so sorry.”

John hugged him back, hiding his face in his chest. Jamie had to pull away so that he could stroke his cheek and kiss him gently.

There was a pile of blankets on the bed before the open laptop, a tub of melting ice cream and a bottle of red wine on the nightstand. Jamie sat down, pulling John with him and looking seriously into his eyes.  
“It wasna your fault, John. It’s just…” he took a deep breath. “There was someone who ruined those words for me, I think.”  
Surprise and understanding flashed on John’s face.  
“You don’t need to explain, Jamie.”  
“But I want to.”

He picked up John’s glass from the nightstand and gulped down the wine in it.  
“Abusive doesna even begin to describe him. He was a manipulative arsehole. I should have known better.”  
John tentatively moved closer, and Jamie laced their hands together.

“But I was young, and foolish, and blinded by the freedom that I could be with a man and not be openly judged for it.” He shook his head. “I was so lost, and he made sure that I felt like I would be without him. Like no one could ever love me if I left him.”  
John squeezed his hand, and Jamie squeezed back. It was all a lie and he knew it now.

“He always said… _that…_ when he expected me to say it back, even if he was hurting me. Especially when he was hurting me,” he corrected.

He turned towards John and cupped his face in his hands.  
“You have to know how special you are, John. I’ve never felt like this with anyone, ever before. And I’m sure I’ll get over it with time. Just… right now I cannae bear to hear it, not even from ye.”

They’ve settled in and finished the ice cream, the wine and the episode together, tension slowly easing. When the episode was finished Jamie rolled his body on top of John, undressed him and rode him slow and sensual, showing with his body what he could tell with his words.

***

After this, John made sure to find creative ways to show Jamie that he loved him, without outright saying it.

They’ve spent more and more time together. John started favouring Lallybroch even more for his work and if Jamie found him there he always greeted him with a kiss and sometimes would sit down with him for a while. John heard some of the others tease Jamie that he never came in so often before.

They’ve usually spent the weekends together. At first, he would go over to Jamie on Friday night fully planning on getting back home the next day. But that never happened, instead he spent the Sunday with him as well, using his body wash and wearing his t-shirts or sometimes nothing at all.

Jamie seemed to be better at bringing some of his clothes with him but was worse with actually taking them home. Soon there was a section in John’s closet that was filled with clothes not his own, and it always brought a stupid smile to his face every time he looked at it.

It was only natural that one evening when they lay curled together, he took out his spare keys and pressed them into Jamie’s hand. Jamie gave him a look, that warmed his whole body and he thought, that maybe they didn’t need words at all.

But there was something else too. It was a few weeks later that he brought it up. As casually as he could, although they both knew what a shameless fool he was in matters of the heart.

“I try to go somewhat regularly. Just to make sure.”  
Jamie looked at him with his most intense cat-like gaze and John had the suspicion he already knew where this was going, but he couldn’t tell what Jamie was thinking about it, so he marched on.  
“I’m not paranoid, you know. But I did have a few partners over the years and… well, it’s always better to be on the safe side.”  
Jamie made a noncommittal Scottish noise that was hot as hell but didn’t reveal anything about his thoughts on the matter.  
“It’s a private practice. They are very discreet.” John took a deep breath. “If you want I could easily arrange an appointment for you as well. I just wanted to mention it, because… well.” There was no way around this. “I would like it very much if you could fuck me bare. Only if you want to, of course,” he added when the silence was stretching a tad bit too long.

Something flashed in Jamie’s eyes, and John found himself on his back, Jamie kissing him passionately.  
“Aye. Let’s do that.” Another kiss that left John somewhat dizzy with lust. “But only if ye repay the kindness.”

It was weird to plan something like this. Something maybe old married couples would do, planning in their sex nights between other responsibilities. It should have felt like taking the spark out of it, but John found himself wound tight with lust, fantasizing about it for weeks.

And then they were there, slowly undressing each other, phones on silent, safely tucked away next to the condoms. The whole world seemed to fade away, everything except Jamie, his big hands, beautiful eyes and affectionate smile. His voice, the way he murmured Gaelic endearments into his ear, his fingers sliding into him, warm and slick with oil.

And then Jamie was there between his thighs, pressing into him and John could have wept from the intimacy of it all. Their bodies moved together, and John got lost in those deep blue eyes. It felt like they were melting into each other, no barriers left.

John gasped for breath. He felt tender and fragile, completely open. It was almost too much but at the same time… not yet enough.  
“Jamie, can you fuck me hard now?” he rasped out.  
Jamie shifted his weight.  
“Aye. I can do that.”

And he did, and John let himself fell apart between those strong arms.

After they lay together, Jamie’s body blanketing him heavily, but comfortable, his seed tickling as it dripped out of him, his breath hot and even on his ear. “John, I…”

For a moment he thought Jamie would say it.

“I’ve never felt the way I feel with ye. Ye’re the dearest thing for me in the whole world.”

John realized there was nothing he would rather hear at that moment.

***

The next morning, he was making coffee. It never turned out as good as when Jamie did it, even using his own special blend. But Jamie never complained about it.  
He had one of Jamie’s t-shirts on, soft and worn, and faintly smelling of him. He was happy, and sated, still sore in all the right places, absentmindedly singing along to the random playlist he chose on Spotify.

It was both a blessing and a curse, that lyrics stuck in his head so easily. It was enough to hear something once, if it had a good rhythm to it, and the next thing he knew he was singing along with no conscious thought about the words of the artist.

_“Somebody told me that I gotta leave it alone  
Said there ain't a reason to be fixing what isn't broke”_

He switched to humming while grounding the coffee beans – with a hand grinder so that he didn’t wake Jamie to early. The water boiled and he took out the filter for the V60.

_“You love me, but you don't even know what you do to me.”_

The smell of freshly brewed coffee filled the room.

_“Yeah, yeah, you love me”_

There were suddenly strong, familiar arms around his waist. Jamie hid his face in the crook of his neck to escape the sunlight streaming in the window. John sighed happily.

“I do,” Jamie mumbled into his skin, voice still sleepy.

John didn’t get it at first. But then… his heart started beating twice as fast. He was afraid it would burst from happiness.

“Jamie…”

Jamie turned him towards himself and kissed him.

“I do.” Kiss. “Love.” Another kiss. “You.”

And then – probably seeing the stupid awe on John’s face – his lips stretched into an amused smile.

“But that cup will taste awful if ye leave it for another minute without pouring the rest of the water over it.”

**Author's Note:**

> The lyrics is from flora cash - You Love Me


End file.
